Subsequent to yesterdays epiphany (see last blog) and struggling with ye olde ill health as I am and subsequent also to staying up late faintly deranged by the meds editing the new Arnie Slipshod Tubecast..I woke and had to go around the corner to the little deserted shop in Ashington Gardens past the Old peoples death camp on the corner of Round hay avenue and Downlands way which some bean counter in a cupboard decided to call Downlands given the choice of ’round’ or ‘down’ this kafka fan went for ‘down’
Round being presumably too indicative of reincarnation and down being the brutal old boy sat outside defiantly smoking and I called to him “I hope that’s a spliff!”
“I wish!” he called back precipitating a serious coughing symphony..downing the corner into roundlands way I noticed a local wit had sprayed “Old Cunts” on the fence down the side..”Old Cunts court” it is then..clearly a superior name.
I have had some experience of the geriatric nursing world (via acquaintances in the ‘profession’) and therefore know that they are simply packed with interesting and demented characters who rarely receive visitors..
This is of course is but one of many indicators of just how bonkers and doomed the human race is..People are just not prepared to face the reality of collapse and death, the mess and tragedy of it all..the tribe and family (particularly in the first world of course) is retreating into Sim world at a rapid rate. In the interest of slight balance my own mother refused the idea of living with her children and opted for an early stroke in an underfunded and demoralised NHS hospital corrugated hut instead.
The other indication of our impending doom is doubtless the mobile phone..apart from the obvious anti social thumb twitching junky element there’s the matter of power you charge the damn thing until it says 100% then switch to standby/inert and leave it an hour in which it does nothing not even lighting up inexplicably and it will say 82% even entirely un used..I’ve done a short shoddy survey and this is the norm..imagine the power wastage across the nation and the world…imagine also the profit to the dark lords of the power supply bastards of oblivion.
There will be plenty of ‘rockstar’ anecdotes in subsequent segments including unflinching inside stories on The Late Road Lunatics, How I beat The fatlord as a Union activist and the adventures of a fame dodging creative who refused the money.
There you go that’s the first instalment of ‘The memoirs of a has been who never was’ (which now i’m assured I’ll never make it to old cunts court) I am resolved to write in easily digestible bite sized parts and post here on the criminally ignored, blog of ‘the funniest nobody in the universe’.. a title I bestowed upon myself just now..because. I think you should definitely consider commenting on the ‘episodes’ as they occur, as the funniest, stupidest and rudest will be included in the final master work..which will bestow upon you a kind of immortality as it will obviously be, one day regarded as superior to all other works of literature..ever..anywhere…I’ll be looking out for those who pretend to like and admire me and if they don’t appear the consequences will be frankly negligible..but I will know you couldn’t be bothered and of course it will mean you can prove you read it originally when not having read it will be regarded by future generations as a certain indicator of tastelessness and ignorance of herculean proportions..which to be honest I wrote purely from the desire to include the word ‘herculean’ on a whim.


Brent (Arnie slipshod, the Flawless blade) Jackson
Peacehaven early feb 2017.

3 thoughts on “The memoirs of a has been who never was

  1. Nylon fortitude says:

    I dont want to worry you mate but some guy called Milton rode round to my house on a childs tricycle wearing a spaghetti wig and pirates earings ranting about how you stole his leyline detector hedphone in 1978 , he was weilding a bunch of polyester carnations and a large tub of vaseline .He was asking where i can find you and i told him even you dont know where you are most of the time .I dont think he believed me though .

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